After listening to the painful prank call of Sarah Palin, I realized one thing. While Barack Obama honed his political skills in the halls of Harvard Law and the mean streets of Chicago, Sarah Palin honed her political skills in the sub-culture of beauty padgents. Her greatest skill is her ability to please. She wasn’t smart enough to detect the call was a prank. Instead she flirted her way through a conversation with a man she believed to be the President of France by gushing and giggling. She’s not big enough for high office.
If you manage to steal this election too we've decidedwe're leaving. We intend to form our own country, andwe're taking the other Blue States with us. In case youaren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois andall the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficialto the nation, and especially to the people of the newcountry of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all theslave states. We get stem cell research and the bestbeaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital andentrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make thered states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than theChristian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choiceand anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizensback from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, askyour evangelicals. They have kids they're apparentlywilling to send to their deaths for no purpose, and theydon't care if you don't show pictures of theirchildren's caskets coming home. We do wish you successin Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're notwilling to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of thepineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit,95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90%of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans(thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all livingredwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sisterschools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have tocope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projectedhealth care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100%of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all SouthernBaptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, RushLimbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the Universityof Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonahwas actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life issacred unless we're discussing the war, the deathpenalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only atheory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of youcrazy bastards believe you are people with higher moralsthen we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." -- Maryland state senator Jamie Raskin
Isn’t it fascinating that the OJ verdict a few weeks ago was such a non-event? Nothing like what we witnessed in 1995. We were absolutely mesmerized by what we were seeing. We were gripped. What should have been a murder trial became a stand-in for the injustices of a racist and classist criminal-justice system. We all remember our reaction to the verdict.
Not Guilty. At that moment our nation was exposed to the biggest rift we've got.
13 years later- to the day- OJ Simpson is found guilty of an unrelated crime and will likely spend the rest of his life behind bars. Unbelievable. And, what's even more unbelievable is the fact that 13 years later, a black man is poised to become the next president of the united states.
We’re getting there. Slowly and circuitously, but we're getting there.
In some strange way, I almost wonder if Bush's imbecilic behavior isn't intentional. After all, he's a Yale & Harvard grad and a pilot. He can't be that dumb. Can he? Wait...don't answer that. I feel somewhat comforted by the thought of him being smarter than he really is. The idea that he (and John McCain) are simply the puppets makes me shiver. Because then I have to think, if he's the puppet, then who's pulling the strings? Well, you and I both know who's pulling the strings. Corporate America and other monied interests. Your wife is absolutely right. Bush won the office of the Presidency by projecting a "Joe Six-Pack" caricature. People could relate to him. People felt like they could sit down and have a beer with him. (as if that should qualify you for the most powerful office in the world) He was the perfect instrument to convince working class people to vote against their best interests. Throw some overt Fundamentalist Christianity into the mix and POOF! You've got the president of the united states.
There is no fucking way in a million years that the people pulling the strings are going to cede power to a black guy. A black guy who has found a way to tap into a spirit not seen in this country in a generation. He can't win. Please tell me I'm wrong and paranoid and cynical, but I fear for our Democracy.
Several years ago, a girl I REALLY liked invited me to spend the day at the lake with her and her snooty sister and brother-in-law. After several embarrassing attempts to water-ski, we decided it would be best to relax on the deck of the boat and engage in conversation. I was trying really hard to impress this girl. About ten minutes into our conversation, while out in the middle of an enormous lake, the girl had the horrifying task of informing me that I had started my period. Not only had I started my period, but I had started my period on the white seats of her brother-in-law's fancy boat.
We had no choice but to pull the boat into a restaurant on the lake called "Sneaky Pete's". Yes, that's right. Sneaky Pete's. For an example of the restaurant's clientele, please refer to this link- http://www.sneakypetesonline.com/photos.htm
I was forced to roam the establishment, asking the waitresses if they could spare a tampon. They couldn't. So then I was forced to ask the customers if they could spare a tampon. And they couldn't. So then I was forced to place a wad of toilet paper between my vagina and my soiled swim suit, hoping in vain that my impromptu pad would hold up long enough to make it to the drug store. It didn't.