After listening to the painful prank call of Sarah Palin, I realized one thing. While Barack Obama honed his political skills in the halls of Harvard Law and the mean streets of Chicago, Sarah Palin honed her political skills in the sub-culture of beauty padgents. Her greatest skill is her ability to please. She wasn’t smart enough to detect the call was a prank. Instead she flirted her way through a conversation with a man she believed to be the President of France by gushing and giggling. She’s not big enough for high office.
If you manage to steal this election too we've decidedwe're leaving. We intend to form our own country, andwe're taking the other Blue States with us. In case youaren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois andall the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficialto the nation, and especially to the people of the newcountry of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all theslave states. We get stem cell research and the bestbeaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital andentrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make thered states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than theChristian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choiceand anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizensback from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, askyour evangelicals. They have kids they're apparentlywilling to send to their deaths for no purpose, and theydon't care if you don't show pictures of theirchildren's caskets coming home. We do wish you successin Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're notwilling to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of thepineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit,95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90%of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans(thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all livingredwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sisterschools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have tocope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projectedhealth care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100%of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all SouthernBaptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, RushLimbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the Universityof Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonahwas actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life issacred unless we're discussing the war, the deathpenalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only atheory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of youcrazy bastards believe you are people with higher moralsthen we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." -- Maryland state senator Jamie Raskin